the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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