im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
After last night, I could never be a politician.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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