Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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