I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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