Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
