I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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