drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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