Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
