at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Randomize
