I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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