It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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