nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
