I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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