1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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