My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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