I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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