i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
