apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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