Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize