you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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