I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
