Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
