my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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