dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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