we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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