Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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