Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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