its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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