Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
