when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
