I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
