she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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