My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize