I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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