I can text with my tongue
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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