Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize