So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Randomize
