The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
