Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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