Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize