youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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