Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
