He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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