theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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