theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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