I just pynch a tree in the face
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
