wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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