Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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