Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
