you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
