I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
