i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
