Your tits are I can't wait for
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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