youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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