Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
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